Why do so many women say “I don’t feel like myself” in perimenopause?

It’s a sentence we hear constantly from women.

I just don’t feel like myself.

And I understand why we immediately look to hormones for the answer.

Perimenopause can involve changes in sleep, mood, energy and cognition. If you’re exhausted, anxious or struggling to find words that used to arrive effortlessly, of course that can affect how you feel about yourself.

But I’ve become interested in another part of this question.

What if “I don’t feel like myself” isn’t always only about what your hormones are doing?

What if it’s also about what is happening to you?

Can identity change during menopause?

Emerging research suggests menopause can involve psychological and identity dimensions as well as biological change.

A 2025 paper in Climacteric proposed a broader psychological view of menopause, including identity redefinition, growth, self-realisation and transformation.

A major 2026 review of 181 studies also found growing research into personal growth, optimism, resilience, self-compassion, purpose and wellbeing during the menopausal transition.

None of this means menopause is automatically transformative.

Some women struggle profoundly.

Some barely notice the transition.

And many of us seem capable of finding something difficult and interesting at exactly the same time.

What did Eir’s research find about identity in midlife?

One result from our Women’s Health & Happiness research has stayed with me.

Among women aged 41–50:

66.9% rated “I just don’t feel like myself right now” at six or above out of ten.

Yet:

61.3% of those women rated optimism about their future at six or above.

Our survey wasn’t designed as an identity study, so those numbers can’t tell us why women felt that way.

But I love what they illustrate.

You can feel unsettled about who you are right now and still feel hopeful about who you’re becoming.

Those experiences aren’t opposites.

Does menopause cause an identity crisis?

Not necessarily.

“Identity crisis” feels too dramatic — and too universal.

For some women, physical symptoms, fertility changes, ageing, changing family roles or changes at work can shake their sense of self.

For others, menopause barely touches it.

And some of the questions women encounter in their 40s and 50s may have surprisingly little to do with menopause.

Midlife is a developmental stage in its own right.

By this point, you’ve lived enough life to have accumulated roles.

Mother.

Partner.

Daughter.

Employee.

Leader.

Carer.

Friend.

The person who remembers everyone’s birthdays and somehow knows there’s no milk.

Eventually it’s reasonable to wonder:

Which of these roles are still me?

Why can our priorities change in midlife?

Because life changes.

And because we change.

By our 40s and 50s, many women have decades of experience behind them, changing parenting responsibilities, different career possibilities and an increasingly uncomfortable awareness that time isn’t infinite.

Things pursued for approval, status or obligation can begin to lose their shine.

Meaning may matter more.

Autonomy.

Friendship.

Purpose.

Curiosity.

Joy.

That isn’t pathology.

Nor does turning 47 automatically turn you into an enlightened forest-dwelling sage who has finally understood the universe.

It’s simply possible for priorities to evolve.

Is personal growth during menopause supported by science?

There is emerging evidence, but precision matters.

The 2026 flourishing review found growing research into resilience, optimism, personal growth, self-compassion and meaning.

It also found a consistent association between more severe menopausal symptoms and poorer emotional or psychological wellbeing.

So once again, two things can be true:

Menopause symptoms can make life significantly harder.

And:

Menopause does not automatically determine whether a woman can be psychologically well.

This is why I’m so interested in wellbeing science in midlife.

Reducing suffering matters.

But wellbeing is bigger than the absence of suffering.

Is talking about menopause as growth just toxic positivity?

It can be.

Tell a woman who hasn’t slept properly for six months that menopause is a “beautiful gift” and I cannot guarantee your personal safety.

Growth should never be used to minimise suffering.

It doesn’t replace medical care.

It doesn’t require gratitude for symptoms.

And nobody wins a menopause medal for finding the spiritual lesson in vaginal dryness.

A better way of saying it is:

Menopause can be difficult without difficulty being the only story available to women in midlife.

That’s all.

What questions can help when you don’t feel like yourself?

Instead of asking only:

How do I get the old me back?

Try asking:

• What matters more to me now?
• What matters less?
• Which roles still fit?
• Where am I acting from obligation rather than choice?
• Which relationships give me energy?
• What am I curious about?
• What do I want more of in the next decade?
• What have I outgrown?

These questions don’t treat menopause.

They’re simply useful questions when a life is changing.

When should “I don’t feel like myself” prompt medical help?

If changes in mood, cognition, sleep, anxiety, energy or everyday functioning are significant, persistent or concerning, talk to an appropriate healthcare professional.

Don’t assume everything is menopause.

But don’t assume difficult menopause symptoms are simply something you have to tolerate, either.

Medical support and psychological reflection can happily coexist.

The Eir view

At Eir, of course we want women to feel like themselves.

But I’m increasingly unconvinced that the goal of a successful midlife is to recreate exactly who we were at 35.

Sometimes there’s another question worth asking.

Not only:

How do I get myself back?

But:

What if I’m still becoming myself?

By Lisa Walker, Co-founder of Eir Women and postgraduate student in wellbeing science at the University of Melbourne.